Divorce and Remarriage

I have learned a lot about Divorce and Remarriage this past week. I have not personally experienced a divorce, but I have a lot of friends and some family who have. Divorce is devastating. So it is with a Spirit of love that I write this.

Statistically, women and men who are religious (just religion in general) are less likely to get a divorce. Why?
-Typically, in religion, you feel accountable to someone else for the choices you make and therefore feel accountable for your actions in marriage. Feeling accountable makes you more likely to stick to something and work harder at it.
-For those who marry in religion, the bond becomes more of a covenant rather than a contract.
-Those in religion tend to believe more in forgiveness and Christlike love and employ that principle in their marriage.
-In religion, marriage is more of a family affair rather than my needs vs. your needs. This is evidenced in the fact that religious people tend to make more family-oriented decisions (ex. less likely for abortion, more likely advocates for women staying in the home, etc.)

Other statistics:
-People in high socioeconomic status have a lower rate of divorce than people from a low SES. I believe that since having financial issues is such a big stressor in marriage, removing one of those burdens helps ease the tension in a marriage.
-Divorce rates have been dropping since the 70's.
     *There was a drastic increase in 50's after the "No- Fault" Divorce was created. Statistics started dropping in the 70's because those children watched what their parents went through in divorce and what they grew up in and did not like it.
-U.S. has the highest divorce rates. I believe this is because of our sense, as Americans, of confidence and pride in ourselves. People marry in situations think, "well I am different" or "this time will be different." 

Thoughts about divorce:
Isn't it interesting that there isn't one contract in the world that you can sign your name to and then just quit whenever you felt like. Imagine if you had a rental contract and then just determined one day that you did not want to pay it... or imagine you contracted a job out to another company and they agreed but one day thought it was too hard and so they did not fulfill their contract. Yet, for marriage, this really is how it works.

The problem with marriage is that it was always meant to be a "covenant" institution. It was never intended to be purely a contract. Think back to the history of the world... God performed the first marriage. Humans did not think up the institution. I wonder how different marriage would be if people truly understood it is an institution established by God and that you will be accountable TO HIM for your actions within.

Challenges for Children:
-For children in divorced and remarried families there are many challenges. First, they may be getting mixed messages.
-When parents remarry, it will inevitably be difficult. The children feel attached to their biological parents.
-Average dad (in a divorce) will live 400 miles from his child. Children who are girls will want more attention from males and tend to be more promiscuous and children who are boys tend to be more rebellious.
-Children may feel that they have to "choose sides" with parents. They may feel like they have to ask themselves... "Who am I going to like more?"
-These children will have trouble because, with any divorce, there is trouble with a normative healthy attachment.

And although I hate country, there is hope for divorced/remarried families. Some people describe it as "finally finding my family." Our teacher showed this video in class, and I believe very strongly that this can be the case.

Parenting

So for the Parenting class week, I really learned a lot about ACTIVE Parenting. It was very interesting to me to talk about these things because I am currently in a parenting class where we are reading "Unconditional Parenting"  by Alfie Kohn and "10 Principles of Good Parenting" by Ted Steinberg.

In the videos we watched in class, there were some key principles taught about parenting a teenager (which I used to never be afraid of, but now I have definitely become afraid of). These principles did a nice job lining up with what we have been learning from the other two books.

First of all, realize that teenagers (just because I am writing about teenagers does not mean these do not apply to early or middle childhood) are going through crazy changes in their body. At this stage in their life, their limbic system in their brain is fully developed (the emotion center) making them really excited and interested in doing dangerous things. However, their prefrontal cortex (the executive center) which helps people make rational choices based on their options, is not fully developed. Not to mention the fact that hormones are running through their system like crazy.

Next, teenagers (especially teenagers that are members of the Church) are going through very serious societal pressures. Everywhere around them is peer pressure and peer evaluation. In their minds (and anyone one of us who was once a teenager) if they are not accepted by those around them... all is lost.

Once you really can think and evaluate what your teenagers feel, and you can see things from their perspective, as Alfie Kohn says, it is time to make some choices. Do you want to be the Autocratic, military-esque parent? Do you want to allow your children to do whatever they feel and be a Permissive parent? Or would you like to be a healthy balance of both, giving your child a chance to have choices and autonomy as well as rules and regulations? I think the answer is clear.

What I learned next were some very valuable steps to parenting effectively:
1) Teens and parents get along much better when there is mutual respect in the relationship. Teens need to learn to respect others and know that they will be respected by others. It is our responsibility to model respect for our teens, by how we treat them. The best way to respect your teen is to ask their opinions and give them choices, listen to their reasoning.
2) Communicate to solve a problem, not berate a teenager. Ask yourself: what is the real issue? Are you afraid of your child being out late because he/she may be in danger? Well tell them that. Do not blame the teenager, blame the problem. Teenagers will be less likely to argue.


DO's and DONT's of Communication with a Problem


DON'T                                                                                     DO

-Command                                                                            -Address emotions (see "Emotion Coaching")
-Negative Expectations                                                          -Listen actively
-Interrogate                                                                           -Respond to feelings
-Moralize                                                                               -look for alternatives/evaluate consequences
-Focus on Mistakes                                                                -offer encouragement
-When I was your age (Know it all)                                        -follow up later
-Psychologize
-Give advice
-Use sarcasm

Also, use I statements and statements that attack the problem (ex. "I feel taken advantage of...")

3) Do NOT use punishments and rewards. They are only effective teachers in the short run and teach children to think in a very self-centered way for rewards and get even after punishments.
4) The best consequences for a misbehavior are the natural or logical consequences that follow. For example: a natural consequence of touching a burner is that you get burned. A logical consequence of going over your minutes on your cell phone is that you have to pay extra to the cell phone company. When teenagers can see that there are logical consequences to their actions, they are better prepared for society and usually do not think of their parents as "raging tyrants."
5) Wise parents are firm and friendly. If your ability to be your child's friend is impeding your ability to be a parent... be a parent.
6) Above all, love your children unconditionally. Your love should never be withdrawn based on a child's misbehavior or good behavior. It is not a reinforcer or logical consequence. And make sure YOUR CHILD knows that you love him in those times of disobedience, too.

Fatherhood and Finances

I learned a lot about the power of Fatherhood through doing my paper and of finances in a relationship through the lessons and material I read this week.

Fatherhood
Fathers are absolutely critical in a child's development and family relations. For my paper, I found an article by the FIRA (Father Involvement Research Alliance). It was full of powerful statistical insights into how fathers change children's lives. When fathers are involved in the home, children are more intelligent, better morally developed, more level headed in their emotions and more successful in their everyday lives.

Sometimes I think that we are too hard on Dads. Society and the media portray fathers as imbeciles that are commanded by their wives. They are the joking fathers that just bring home part of a paycheck. They don't get enough credit for all they do.

You can find a summary of some of these statistics here. If anyone ever wonders if a father does as much for his children as their mother, now you know. This makes me very grateful I married a wonderful man who can lead our future family in love and righteousness.

Finances
It was very interesting to me to talk about finances this week in class. The primary thing I gained had to do with dual-income families. In these dual-income families, adults automatically assume that they are better off well because they have the supplemented income. The problem is that the equation isn't just husband's check + wife's check = $$$. You have to include the opportunity costs that come with what you are giving up by having the wife work.

Our teacher gave an example of a husband and wife who worked to take care of their family. They equation would look somewhat like this (this was quite some time ago)...

 H    $41,000 (working 45 hours per week)
W   +$21,000 (working 39 hours per week)

this couple then visited with accountants who took into account all their costs and spending and all the money that they accumulated (including opportunity costs) and their income amounted to

= $38,500

The wife was actually paying $2500 to work 39 hours per week. She had not realized the costs incurred through babysitters, daycare, take-out and eating out, etc.

I firmly believe that there is power (and financial power) in having a mother who stays at home and works by taking care of the children and home. My mother had to work so I am not preaching from a "perfect-family" pedastal. I believe in mother's in the home because of numerous research that I have read and the guidance from the Brethren.

Many women believe that it is a waste of time to get an education if you are not going to use it. You are wasting your mind if you stay at home, among other reasons. In class, we also read the article, "Does a Full-Time Homemaker Swap Her Mind for a Mop?" I think it provides excellent insight. We are getting educated for more reasons than to bring home a paycheck. We are raising a righteous generation. It is our responsibility to prepare and educate our children in all ways. President Brigham Young said that if he had two children, a boy and a girl, and he could only afford to educate one... it would be his daughter. We are preparing to be active and educated members of society. We can make differences, even as a "stay-at-home-mom."

The last thing that we read and studied about was the pamphlet provided by the church "One for the Money"  in regards to handling family finances. We know that approximately 80% of divorces are directly linked to financial issues in a marriage. I think these principles provided in the pamphlet are powerful and true principles in all situations.

Communication

This week in class we talked about strategies for effective communication.

14% of what we're saying is conveyed through words
35% of what we're saying is through tone
51% of what we're saying is through non-verbal communication

Interestingly enough, people are most likely to believe non-verbal communication rather than words or tone. When I learned this I had to ask myself, are there times when I am non-verbally communicating things that are the opposite of what I am saying with words? The first step to effectively communicating is to recognize that there might be some mis communications in what you are saying.

Recognizing that only 14% of what we're saying is conveyed through words has large implications for the effect of texting on our society. In class, many students said that texting was their least favorite way of communicating because you can never really tell what someone is thinking.

The next step is to be intentional about what you are saying and how it may be perceived and work hard to listen. In fact, we should really put more work into listening than we are in speaking.

On Thursday we discussed some principles based on councils. It was really interesting to me to learn this material because we discussed how the quorum of the 12 counsel with each other and how we can apply that to our families.


Interestingly enough, the Brethern have councils once per week. This is the structure of those councils:

-Set time and Place- typically Thursdays in the temple
How powerful it would be to have a meeting with those around us in the temple once a week where the Spirit could be unrestrained and we could take care of any issues before they ever arose.
-The Brethren show up early and spend time expressing love and gratitude to each other
This reassures the members of the group that what is about to be said is out of love for that person and eliminates all fear or question of inadequacy or personal attack.
-The meeting opens with a prayer
The brethren invite the Spirit to be with then and pray to speak with love and do what the Lord would have them do.
-They have an agenda of topics to discuss and do so one at a time
This is a powerful idea because it suggests that there has been time and thought put into each of the topics beforehand. Each of the brethren received a copy of the agenda previously and had time to study it out in their minds and hearts. Interestingly enough, when they respond there is no interruption and the Brethren each speak what they believe the Lord wants, not their own opinion.
-They come to a consensus before they ever close an issue
This means that every person feels at peace with the decision and they support it as a unified whole. They leave the topic knowing that everyone has said all that each person needed to express on behalf of the Lord and his will.
-They close with a prayer
In this prayer, they give gratitude to the Lord for inspiration and for helping them to come to a consensus. They ask if there is something more that they may know to bring it to the next meeting. They also express their love for one another one more time.
-They finish the meeting with refreshments
Yes, they do eat refreshments in the temple. Apparently, it is some form of dessert...either chocolate or pie. What a great way to bond and feel the spirit of unity and friendship. 


How different would our family councils be if we counseled together in such a way? Would hard topics go over smoothly? Would there be a much more effective communication between members?

Family Stressors

It is not a coincidence that we had this discussion about family stressors this week. Every day I had something new come up and add to a "cumulative stressor" that was going on in my life.

I was gone the second day of the week, visiting my grandpa, who recently had surgery and was not doing very well.

What I did learn from Tuesday's class was that there are many things that can happen in a family life. There are things that are good stressors, stressors that are unplanned, stressors that build upon others, etc. Everyone's experiences are different... and everyone's stressors are difficult for them.

What I have learned is that the Lord will not give us challenges that we cannot overcome. In times of trial, I hold to 1 Nephi 3:7 "For I know that the Lord giveth no commandment, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."

I think keeping a positive attitude and remembering that the Savior has endured ALL things helps us to overcome these trials in our lives. I enjoy this video.

What Brother Williams said really stuck out to me. It is not the trial itself that defines us, but how we react and respond to it.

I have learned that through my Savior Jesus Christ, I can do all things.

Teaching Children about Marital Intimacy

This week was a very interesting week for lessons. We talked about marital intimacy, the joys, potential challenges and the importance.

What I learned most from was the discussion about teaching our children about marital intimacy:

I love this guide ("A Parent's Guide") that the church has produced. It sums it up, in such a perfect, divine way.

Wedding vs. Marriage

This week we talked about some interesting insights as to the importance on a wedding.

Here are a few things that I learned:

1) Those who are of an older age sometimes struggle in marriages. They have been living a certain way for so long and tend to be set in their ways. Joining two people together who are both set in certain specific ways of living can cause a lot of problems.

2) The engagement itself sends a large message about the couple. Is it spontaneous- he just popped it on you, you were so surprised but it felt so right? This may suggest communication issues. It is such an important decision and yet it becomes an all in the moment (without discussion) kind of a thing. What about those extravagant public engagements http://www.wimp.com/lipdub/? What does that say about the couple? It seems as though the man has talked to A LOT of people about this decision...but how much has he talked to her? Is this going to be a public marriage or a private one? With such an important moment shared with so many people... how are they going to handle other precious marital moments?

There is beauty in simplicity here... in something meaningful for the couple, but not the world... in something planned and prepared for and prayed about.

3) The average wedding cost is around $21,000. With this cost... who can really afford to get married? It is no wonder people are co-habiting more and more. It is no wonder people dread the day when they get married or have extremely long engagements.

Where will we turn to get that money?
Typically, couples will have to do one of a few things: take out a loan, save up for a while, or have the parents pay. The question here is... what will that do to the rest of the marriage relationship? Taking out a loan will cause the couple to now have to worry about debt and be burdened with interest. Saving up for a while will deny the couple precious blessings through the marriage covenant... and something will ALWAYS come up. As for having parents pay, this may be the easiest, but also may be the worst of all. If parents pay for a wedding are you giving them a right in that marriage? They have contributed a lot of their time and resources to it. Would you feel any obligations to them?

Why do we feel such a draw towards having an expensive ONE DAY experience? Are we missing the point? There was a story told in class of two women who wanted to get married in a temple on one day. One because the outside was beautiful and would make for the perfect pictures and the other because it meant a lot to her to get married in the temple. She understood the real importance. On that blessed day, two things happened: there were some minor repairs being made on the outside of the temple and the second bride's dress would not be able to get to her in time for the wedding. The first bride was furious. She could not believe it.. her day was ruined. The other bride did not even give a second glance. She knew what was really important and was just grateful to have the opportunity to be married there.

We should try to step back from the focus on the frivolities of the wedding. Let's focus on what is really important.

Love Misattribution.

This past week has been filled with very interesting things. In class on Tuesday, we talked a little bit about preparing for marriage. Since I am already married and am overly happy with my choice (married 2.5 years), it was a difficult thing for me to get really into. However, on Thursday we talked about some common misconceptions about love and that was very interesting to me.

Tuesday
Do you believe that there are a limitless number of people out there who you could marry? Are you looking for "the one?" You will be surprised to find that there are actually a number of factors that narrow down the search.

Characteristics Filter-
Physical Attraction
Similarities
Physical Proximity
Education/Ability to Provide
Communication Style

With those simple things, you have already significantly narrowed the search.

How do you know they are "the one?" TEST IT.

Intentionally and thoughtfully date. The date should be...
Planned
Paid for
Paired off

This is to prepare for the roles in marriage.
Planned - Preside
Paid for- Provide
Paired off- Protect

You do not really know someone until...
TALK- There is mutual self-disclosure
TIME- There has been a significant amount of time (3 months, according to most researchers)
TOGETHERNESS- There has been a variety of experiences/situations

Thursday
There are four kinds of love:

AGAPE- unconditional, the good of all regardless of feelings for self
EROS (erotic)- the kind of love that is sung about and chick-flicks are written about, a sexual and romantic love.
STORGE- parent and child, natural and unexplainable
PHILIA-  friends, brotherly love (siblings too)

Knowing this helps us to know that we may love someone, but in a much different way than we think. There is a growing problem in our society... people think they are "in love" but have never gone past the "eros" love. They do not know each other, they do not care for each other deeply and desire to protect each other... but they marry none-the-less.

In class, we discussed the R.A.M. model. This model has five elements and the theorist suggests that each level should be a little lower than the previous, in a healthy relationship. These levels are: know, trust, rely, commit, and touch. For example: you know someone, then you develop a trust for them- but a trust which is cautious to the level at which you know them, then you rely on them (as the relationship builds), commit to them, and share an embrace with them. This is one reason instances of co-habitation are a leading contributor to divorce... the scale is backwards. You usually know someone but are very intimate with them, more than you trust or are committed to them. If we recognize this model in our own lives we can make changes to foster healthy relationships.

Another thing we talked about was misattribution of love. This is another trouble with many of the people who get married without really dating and knowing each other. We know that the combination of nor epinephrine and epinephrine released from the limbic system (in the brain) combine to make adrenaline. Theorists suggest that this is released at moments of intensity, heart racing, palms sweaty, and is often confused with love. A study was done that asked some individuals to rate pictures of other people, on attractiveness, before they got on a roller coaster and again after they got off. Across the board, people rated the pictures of others 2 points higher in attractiveness... and in only that short of a time! This explains why boys take girls to scary movies. It is not because they expect the girls to cuddle up because they are scared, but because they know that the adrenaline rush will make them like the boy much more than they would have otherwise. This concept is very powerful and when realized, it is easy to see why it is so important to have time together and a variety of experiences before selecting a mate.

I am glad to know that my husband and I took time and really fell in love. I love him in all the four ways. That seems like a real happily ever after to me.

Gender Roles

This week we talked about a lot of material. It has been really interesting to me because I am taking this class alongside a Family Foundations Class talking about the eternal roles of gender, and some child development classes, in which we have talked about the cognitive differences because of gender.

Gender:

We are all different, inherently. We were created as men/women far before we were born. Different does not mean bad. Each gender complements the other. In my family foundations class it was explained as two sides of a plane, or two hands on a person. We are equal but opposite (meaning different).

Prior to coming to class, we watched a documentary called "Men, Women and the Sex Difference" by John Stossel.

A few of these differences include-

Girls
-naturally more sensitive
-detail-oriented
-look for and use landmarks as a reference
-more cooperative
-relationship oriented
-have 5x more connective tissue (enabling women to make more connections)

Boys
-generally more aggressive
-spatial orientation
-naturally more competitive
-self-reliant
-task oriented
-have more grey tissue- bigger processors (enabling men to more easily solve big problems)

If we take both of these into consideration, not one way of thinking is better than the other. They are meant to be used in harmony. God created us in these ways to fulfill our divine roles, men to "preside, provide and protect" and women to "nurture." (see The Family Proclamation) This does not mean that sometimes women can't be aggressive or that men cannot be sensitive, but it is in recognizing our roles that we see why, generally, we have these characteristics.

Yes, I am a woman. I have no problem recognizing that I am not the same as a man. I do NOT want to be. I am different, but that does not mean I am not equal. We both play an equal part in God's plan.

Gloria Steinem and Gloria Allred are well-known feminists. Gloria Steinem said "We badly need to raise our boys more like our girls." I think that I agree with this statement to a point, but we are different. Instilling in boys more feelings of sensitivity and compassion can be good things and instilling in women more ambition can also be good; however, it comes with remembering that God created us differently for a reason. To try to raise children of two different genders "the same" would not only be wrong, but it most likely would not work. According to the quote mentioned in class, "If you and I are the same, one of us is unnecessary."

Social Class and Family

Tuesday

We learned a lot today.

1- We had an assignment to come to class today having created a family genogram. I found mine very interesting. I learned that it is common in my family for the oldest daughter to attach strongly with her mother. I also learned from my husband's genogram that typically sisters-in-law do not get along up his family tree and that the middle child is usually the more rebellious member of the family. Now knowing that, it makes me very interested to see if my children will be that way. 

2- In class, our teacher posed the question "Does social class influence the family's capacity to meet its needs and responsibilities?" I felt like this blog would be a good place for me to pose my answer for this question. In my notes, I put... "I think definitely yes. Tammy  was not being as effective of a mother as she could have been living the way they did. She even said she wished that she could stay home and teach her boys. She could see that they were lacking in social and emotional aspects because of her choices. If she would've been  upper/middle class she could have afforded to teach and be a better mother to them. Her purpose as a woman and mother was to nurture and she was not fulfilling that purpose." 

I think it is very naiive and unfortunately prevalent in our church to think "money doesn't matter." It does. If you were poor and had to take up a job you are not going to be as effective of a parent as a mother who is better off financially because she can devote more of her time and efforts to her children. I know that money is not the sole indicator of social class, but it is a big part. I heard a quote in one of my classes "pray as if everything depended on God, but work as if everything depended on you." I think this directly applies and could be said "have faith as if everything depended on God, but prepare financially as if everything depended on you."  Obviously a mother who is a full-time student who needs to be focused on her studies and has to work full-time CANNOT dedicate as much time to her child/ parent them as they are needed as someone who has a higher social class and does not have to worry about money. 

We have the responsibility as parents "to provide for the necessities of life" (The Family: Proclamation to the World). Plain and simple, those in higher social classes are better able to meet that need than are those in a lower social class.

3- Another question that was asked was like "what would I want my system to be like?" 

I think that my system would incorporate aspects from all other systems, namely: an education like those in higher social class, financial means like that of a higher social class, work ethic like those of a lower social class, and humility like those of a lower social class. I have seen people with families that are like this. It is achievable. 

Thursday

We talked today about two articles, primarily "A Critique on the Research of Same-Sex Parenting" and "The Costs of Getting Ahead: Mexican Family System Changes and Immigration."

In the first article, we learned that many of the statistical information currently out on the market about Same-Sex Parenting is inaccurate, for the following reasons:

1- There was a sampling bias in most studies- choosing only those who were affiliated with a certain magazine, it was not a representative sample.

2- There were no control groups

3- There was only one study that measured the longitudinal effects

4- The samples were small, only a few families

5- They assumed "children raised in homosexual households has no effect on that child" because they had no real results. No results does not equate to "no effect."

In the "Costs of Getting Ahead," we learned about the effect on families who are separated in illegal immigration. It really hit me hard that this has such an effect on families because my family was separated for similar purposes. 

My dad moved to Alaska to work with the economy crash in '08 and my mom and my sisters remained in the lower 48 for about 4 months. We came up and I could tell that my dad had really had a hard time. It was lonely, I'm sure. Sadly, we didn't have much time to restructure. My mom and I moved back down to the lower 48 so I could finish high school (senior year) and she could finish her college degree that would not transfer (senior year). Being separated was really hard on my young sisters who were only 8 & 13 at the time. My dad had to transition into "mommy role" for a time and that was difficult while he was the sole provider. As for our side, my mom and I became very close and really learned to lean on each other. Needless to say, it was very difficult for our family. Once I moved away to college and my mom was back home, my family eventually re-structured. I can tell, however, that it has caused a significant negative change in our family. My youngest sister now has pretty severe attachment issues being separated from my mom for a year. The middle child, my younger sister, has now transitioned into more of an "adult" or "hero" role because the situation required it. My dad is very lost and confused and I can tell my mother sometimes feels very disconnected and feels guilty for the past time gone. 

Great lessons. Any thoughts?

Week of April 30- May 5th

This week was a whirlwind week.

Tuesday
I learned a lot about Family Theories today.

Family Systems Theory-
This theory looks at the family as a whole. The Family Systems Theory says that all families have rules and that every family member has a role. This system suggests that each family needs executives and that every time there is a change the roles and positions need to redistribute.

Exchange Theory-
In this theory, it's all about "what's in it for me?" If you are not getting more or an equal amount of something out of a relationship, you will abandon it. This idea stemmed from economic systems. It is sad to think, but some marriages really are this way. I cannot imagine a marriage that was so self-centered. I hope that my first thoughts will always be "what can I do to make his life better?" It is no wonder why so many people are getting divorced. I think we truly learn how to serve in marriage, and that is one of the main reasons that it is important.

Symbolic Theory-
The Symbolic Interaction Theory says that every behavior has a meaning. Problems arise when the intent is not the effect of the behavior. Interestingly enough, behavior is symbolically different based on the situation. An example would be holding hands. In some cultures, this is inappropriate in public. In others, it is just a show of affections. This behavior would also be interpreted differently if it was a parent and child vs. a husband and wife.

Conflict Theory-
Conflict Theory maintains that all interactions are made of conflict. Conflict stems from two entities who do not necessarily want the same thing at the same time. How we handle conflict can be good or bad.

Thursday
We learned more about The Family System Theory today. The main thing I took from class today was that homeostasis or not making a change is wrong. The Lord expects us to change and grow and develop. We experience situations in life so that we can grow and become more like God.

I also learned that detouring is influencing someone's behavior through someone else. The example in class was given of a mother trying to change a father's behavior through his child's action or lack of action. I think that this behavior is wrong. I think that we should not try to control other people's behavior, since each of us have our agency.

In class, we had a sample Salvador Minuchin experience. I got to be the "child" in a therapy session. Although it was kind of funny, I learned a lot. Fathers are supposed to be the head of the household. Husbands and Wives are to cleave to each other and the children follow. Serious problems result if these roles are not followed. I also learned that the children need to have an equal tie to both parents. If one gets to strong, it can separate the marriage.

First post of the semester

I feel like I have gained so much in only one week!

I love learning about the family and the doctrine of the family. It is so directly applicable today and it is so easy to see the divine wisdom of the Lord.

From here I am just going to discuss what was talked about and specific insights that I gained from our discussions and the class preparations (if applicable).

Tuesday's class:
We started out class by dispelling myths about the family.

Some of these myths are:
1-Good sex = great marriage
One point that we discussed with this topic that really stood out to me was that although good sex DOES NOT equal a great marriage, a great marriage usually means that there is good sex. I happen to know quite a few women who got divorced after traumatizing wedding nights with their husbands. It is tragic really. This is one thing that is great about waiting until you are married, you can work out the difficulties and embarrassments TOGETHER.
2-Opposites attract
I happen to know a LOT of people who think this is the case for marriage. One thing that Brother Williams said that was so powerful for me was that it's those different rebellious things that get you excited at first will be the things that frustrate you in a marriage. Granted, I know my husband and I are very different. I think it is equally important to recognize that no two people are the same or equal. It is our differences that make up for the other spouse's lack. However, the BIG things CANNOT be opposite. 
3-The extended family is lost
One of the things that stuck out to me most about this is what Brother Williams said, "We tend to compare useful data now with rosy data of the past." This really does present a skewed view of reality. In addition, Brother Williams said that if we have our parents in our home while we raise our family, we have interference in our test of Godhood. I thought this was very profound. We all may notice that when we come home we take the roll of the child again and our parents take the role of parents. How would we ever gain the skills we need for the eternities if we are still living like children?!
4-Happy marriages have NO conflict
Even though this is crazy, I am sure that I fell for this at one time, too. The media has portrayed love as kiss, and then happily ever after... the end. Some girls read their romance novels and watch chick flicks and then are crushed when marriage really isn't roses and lavender. I also really liked how the book (Marriage and Family by Robert and Jeanette Lauer) phrased this, "not only is conflict normal, but when it is handled properly, it strengthens rather than threatens marriage."
5-Children make a marriage happier
This one was pretty straight forward for me. However, the book says something that is very powerful. "The impact of children seems to depend on the quality of the marriage: a good marriage enhances the benefits and reduces the liabilities of children. If the marriage deteriorates with the addition of children, the couple probably already had a troubled relationship."
6-Half of all marriages end in divorce
This is such a commonly stated myth. Here are some direct quotes from the book: "The rate [of divorce] is now lower than it has been since the early 1970s," "At any rate, in the national survey, which was a representative sample of the U.S. Population, 35 of those ever married also had been divorced. It is not true that half of all marriages fail, and if the declining rates continue, the proportion of those divorced will be far less than 50%." I learned a lot during this class period, but those insights are specific to the (now dispelled) myths. Another really powerful thing that I learned was that all the trends with marriage and family (age for delayed marriage is increasing, birthrates are down, unwed births are up, mothers in the workforce numbers are up, premarital sex is more prevalent, and co-habitation is increasing) are interrelated and begin with premarital sex. Having sex before you are married may lead to unwed pregnancy, forcing the mother to work, leading to co-habitation, leading to delayed marriage, leading to lower birth rates...etc.

The Lord and the counsel of modern prophets have been dead on about chastity. President Thomas S. Monson of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints said "Because sexual intimacy is so sacred, the Lord requires self-control and purity before marriage, as well as full fidelity after marriage... Tears inevitably follow transgression." I think Elder Maxwell puts it best when he says, "A quarter of a century ago historian John Lukacs perceptively warned that sexual immorality was not merely a marginal development but, instead, was at the center of the moral crisis of our time (see John Lukacs, The Passing of the Modern Age, New York: Harper & Row, Publishers, 1970, p. 169). Some thought Lukacs was overstating it, but consider the subsequent and sobering tragedy of children having children, of unwed mothers, of children without parents, of hundreds of thousands of fatherless children, and of rampant spousal infidelity. These and related consequences threaten to abort society's future even before the future arrives! Yet carnalists are unwilling to deny themselves, even though all of society suffers from an awful avalanche of consequences!"


Thursday's class
In class today we talked about a documentary we watched in preparation for class. The documentary is called The New Economic Reality: Demographic Winter . This second half of this documentary is linked here. I found these documentaries very interesting, first of all, because I feel like no one tells the real story and this did. When I was in high school, I had a baptist history teacher who used to tell us every day, "well don't worry... there's not going to be any space on earth or resources by the time you graduate college, anyway." I never believed him because I held to the scripture D&C 104:17 "For the earth is full, and there is enough and to spare; yea, I prepared all things..." but it still did scare me. After watching this documentary and the discussions in class, I felt such peace. Satan cannot defy the plan of God.

I also really loved the quote that was given that said we did not come to this earth to "eat, drink and be merry." How true that is. The whole purpose of being here it to prepare to be like God, meaning, have a family.

I think the huge message that I got from this week is that the Lord is wise and if we trust in Him, the one who can see "things as they really are" we will make it. The scripture Proverbs 3: 5-6 comes to mind "Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths." All of the doctrine about the Family is right in line with research. The things that the Lord has counseled us not to do tear apart the family.