In the videos we watched in class, there were some key principles taught about parenting a teenager (which I used to never be afraid of, but now I have definitely become afraid of). These principles did a nice job lining up with what we have been learning from the other two books.
First of all, realize that teenagers (just because I am writing about teenagers does not mean these do not apply to early or middle childhood) are going through crazy changes in their body. At this stage in their life, their limbic system in their brain is fully developed (the emotion center) making them really excited and interested in doing dangerous things. However, their prefrontal cortex (the executive center) which helps people make rational choices based on their options, is not fully developed. Not to mention the fact that hormones are running through their system like crazy.
Next, teenagers (especially teenagers that are members of the Church) are going through very serious societal pressures. Everywhere around them is peer pressure and peer evaluation. In their minds (and anyone one of us who was once a teenager) if they are not accepted by those around them... all is lost.
Once you really can think and evaluate what your teenagers feel, and you can see things from their perspective, as Alfie Kohn says, it is time to make some choices. Do you want to be the Autocratic, military-esque parent? Do you want to allow your children to do whatever they feel and be a Permissive parent? Or would you like to be a healthy balance of both, giving your child a chance to have choices and autonomy as well as rules and regulations? I think the answer is clear.
What I learned next were some very valuable steps to parenting effectively:
1) Teens and parents get along much better when there is mutual respect in the relationship. Teens need to learn to respect others and know that they will be respected by others. It is our responsibility to model respect for our teens, by how we treat them. The best way to respect your teen is to ask their opinions and give them choices, listen to their reasoning.
2) Communicate to solve a problem, not berate a teenager. Ask yourself: what is the real issue? Are you afraid of your child being out late because he/she may be in danger? Well tell them that. Do not blame the teenager, blame the problem. Teenagers will be less likely to argue.
DO's and DONT's of Communication with a Problem
DON'T DO
-Command -Address emotions (see "Emotion Coaching")
-Negative Expectations -Listen actively
-Interrogate -Respond to feelings
-Moralize -look for alternatives/evaluate consequences
-Focus on Mistakes -offer encouragement
-When I was your age (Know it all) -follow up later
-Psychologize
-Give advice
-Use sarcasm
Also, use I statements and statements that attack the problem (ex. "I feel taken advantage of...")
3) Do NOT use punishments and rewards. They are only effective teachers in the short run and teach children to think in a very self-centered way for rewards and get even after punishments.
4) The best consequences for a misbehavior are the natural or logical consequences that follow. For example: a natural consequence of touching a burner is that you get burned. A logical consequence of going over your minutes on your cell phone is that you have to pay extra to the cell phone company. When teenagers can see that there are logical consequences to their actions, they are better prepared for society and usually do not think of their parents as "raging tyrants."
5) Wise parents are firm and friendly. If your ability to be your child's friend is impeding your ability to be a parent... be a parent.
6) Above all, love your children unconditionally. Your love should never be withdrawn based on a child's misbehavior or good behavior. It is not a reinforcer or logical consequence. And make sure YOUR CHILD knows that you love him in those times of disobedience, too.
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