Love Misattribution.

This past week has been filled with very interesting things. In class on Tuesday, we talked a little bit about preparing for marriage. Since I am already married and am overly happy with my choice (married 2.5 years), it was a difficult thing for me to get really into. However, on Thursday we talked about some common misconceptions about love and that was very interesting to me.

Tuesday
Do you believe that there are a limitless number of people out there who you could marry? Are you looking for "the one?" You will be surprised to find that there are actually a number of factors that narrow down the search.

Characteristics Filter-
Physical Attraction
Similarities
Physical Proximity
Education/Ability to Provide
Communication Style

With those simple things, you have already significantly narrowed the search.

How do you know they are "the one?" TEST IT.

Intentionally and thoughtfully date. The date should be...
Planned
Paid for
Paired off

This is to prepare for the roles in marriage.
Planned - Preside
Paid for- Provide
Paired off- Protect

You do not really know someone until...
TALK- There is mutual self-disclosure
TIME- There has been a significant amount of time (3 months, according to most researchers)
TOGETHERNESS- There has been a variety of experiences/situations

Thursday
There are four kinds of love:

AGAPE- unconditional, the good of all regardless of feelings for self
EROS (erotic)- the kind of love that is sung about and chick-flicks are written about, a sexual and romantic love.
STORGE- parent and child, natural and unexplainable
PHILIA-  friends, brotherly love (siblings too)

Knowing this helps us to know that we may love someone, but in a much different way than we think. There is a growing problem in our society... people think they are "in love" but have never gone past the "eros" love. They do not know each other, they do not care for each other deeply and desire to protect each other... but they marry none-the-less.

In class, we discussed the R.A.M. model. This model has five elements and the theorist suggests that each level should be a little lower than the previous, in a healthy relationship. These levels are: know, trust, rely, commit, and touch. For example: you know someone, then you develop a trust for them- but a trust which is cautious to the level at which you know them, then you rely on them (as the relationship builds), commit to them, and share an embrace with them. This is one reason instances of co-habitation are a leading contributor to divorce... the scale is backwards. You usually know someone but are very intimate with them, more than you trust or are committed to them. If we recognize this model in our own lives we can make changes to foster healthy relationships.

Another thing we talked about was misattribution of love. This is another trouble with many of the people who get married without really dating and knowing each other. We know that the combination of nor epinephrine and epinephrine released from the limbic system (in the brain) combine to make adrenaline. Theorists suggest that this is released at moments of intensity, heart racing, palms sweaty, and is often confused with love. A study was done that asked some individuals to rate pictures of other people, on attractiveness, before they got on a roller coaster and again after they got off. Across the board, people rated the pictures of others 2 points higher in attractiveness... and in only that short of a time! This explains why boys take girls to scary movies. It is not because they expect the girls to cuddle up because they are scared, but because they know that the adrenaline rush will make them like the boy much more than they would have otherwise. This concept is very powerful and when realized, it is easy to see why it is so important to have time together and a variety of experiences before selecting a mate.

I am glad to know that my husband and I took time and really fell in love. I love him in all the four ways. That seems like a real happily ever after to me.