Divorce and Remarriage

I have learned a lot about Divorce and Remarriage this past week. I have not personally experienced a divorce, but I have a lot of friends and some family who have. Divorce is devastating. So it is with a Spirit of love that I write this.

Statistically, women and men who are religious (just religion in general) are less likely to get a divorce. Why?
-Typically, in religion, you feel accountable to someone else for the choices you make and therefore feel accountable for your actions in marriage. Feeling accountable makes you more likely to stick to something and work harder at it.
-For those who marry in religion, the bond becomes more of a covenant rather than a contract.
-Those in religion tend to believe more in forgiveness and Christlike love and employ that principle in their marriage.
-In religion, marriage is more of a family affair rather than my needs vs. your needs. This is evidenced in the fact that religious people tend to make more family-oriented decisions (ex. less likely for abortion, more likely advocates for women staying in the home, etc.)

Other statistics:
-People in high socioeconomic status have a lower rate of divorce than people from a low SES. I believe that since having financial issues is such a big stressor in marriage, removing one of those burdens helps ease the tension in a marriage.
-Divorce rates have been dropping since the 70's.
     *There was a drastic increase in 50's after the "No- Fault" Divorce was created. Statistics started dropping in the 70's because those children watched what their parents went through in divorce and what they grew up in and did not like it.
-U.S. has the highest divorce rates. I believe this is because of our sense, as Americans, of confidence and pride in ourselves. People marry in situations think, "well I am different" or "this time will be different." 

Thoughts about divorce:
Isn't it interesting that there isn't one contract in the world that you can sign your name to and then just quit whenever you felt like. Imagine if you had a rental contract and then just determined one day that you did not want to pay it... or imagine you contracted a job out to another company and they agreed but one day thought it was too hard and so they did not fulfill their contract. Yet, for marriage, this really is how it works.

The problem with marriage is that it was always meant to be a "covenant" institution. It was never intended to be purely a contract. Think back to the history of the world... God performed the first marriage. Humans did not think up the institution. I wonder how different marriage would be if people truly understood it is an institution established by God and that you will be accountable TO HIM for your actions within.

Challenges for Children:
-For children in divorced and remarried families there are many challenges. First, they may be getting mixed messages.
-When parents remarry, it will inevitably be difficult. The children feel attached to their biological parents.
-Average dad (in a divorce) will live 400 miles from his child. Children who are girls will want more attention from males and tend to be more promiscuous and children who are boys tend to be more rebellious.
-Children may feel that they have to "choose sides" with parents. They may feel like they have to ask themselves... "Who am I going to like more?"
-These children will have trouble because, with any divorce, there is trouble with a normative healthy attachment.

And although I hate country, there is hope for divorced/remarried families. Some people describe it as "finally finding my family." Our teacher showed this video in class, and I believe very strongly that this can be the case.

Parenting

So for the Parenting class week, I really learned a lot about ACTIVE Parenting. It was very interesting to me to talk about these things because I am currently in a parenting class where we are reading "Unconditional Parenting"  by Alfie Kohn and "10 Principles of Good Parenting" by Ted Steinberg.

In the videos we watched in class, there were some key principles taught about parenting a teenager (which I used to never be afraid of, but now I have definitely become afraid of). These principles did a nice job lining up with what we have been learning from the other two books.

First of all, realize that teenagers (just because I am writing about teenagers does not mean these do not apply to early or middle childhood) are going through crazy changes in their body. At this stage in their life, their limbic system in their brain is fully developed (the emotion center) making them really excited and interested in doing dangerous things. However, their prefrontal cortex (the executive center) which helps people make rational choices based on their options, is not fully developed. Not to mention the fact that hormones are running through their system like crazy.

Next, teenagers (especially teenagers that are members of the Church) are going through very serious societal pressures. Everywhere around them is peer pressure and peer evaluation. In their minds (and anyone one of us who was once a teenager) if they are not accepted by those around them... all is lost.

Once you really can think and evaluate what your teenagers feel, and you can see things from their perspective, as Alfie Kohn says, it is time to make some choices. Do you want to be the Autocratic, military-esque parent? Do you want to allow your children to do whatever they feel and be a Permissive parent? Or would you like to be a healthy balance of both, giving your child a chance to have choices and autonomy as well as rules and regulations? I think the answer is clear.

What I learned next were some very valuable steps to parenting effectively:
1) Teens and parents get along much better when there is mutual respect in the relationship. Teens need to learn to respect others and know that they will be respected by others. It is our responsibility to model respect for our teens, by how we treat them. The best way to respect your teen is to ask their opinions and give them choices, listen to their reasoning.
2) Communicate to solve a problem, not berate a teenager. Ask yourself: what is the real issue? Are you afraid of your child being out late because he/she may be in danger? Well tell them that. Do not blame the teenager, blame the problem. Teenagers will be less likely to argue.


DO's and DONT's of Communication with a Problem


DON'T                                                                                     DO

-Command                                                                            -Address emotions (see "Emotion Coaching")
-Negative Expectations                                                          -Listen actively
-Interrogate                                                                           -Respond to feelings
-Moralize                                                                               -look for alternatives/evaluate consequences
-Focus on Mistakes                                                                -offer encouragement
-When I was your age (Know it all)                                        -follow up later
-Psychologize
-Give advice
-Use sarcasm

Also, use I statements and statements that attack the problem (ex. "I feel taken advantage of...")

3) Do NOT use punishments and rewards. They are only effective teachers in the short run and teach children to think in a very self-centered way for rewards and get even after punishments.
4) The best consequences for a misbehavior are the natural or logical consequences that follow. For example: a natural consequence of touching a burner is that you get burned. A logical consequence of going over your minutes on your cell phone is that you have to pay extra to the cell phone company. When teenagers can see that there are logical consequences to their actions, they are better prepared for society and usually do not think of their parents as "raging tyrants."
5) Wise parents are firm and friendly. If your ability to be your child's friend is impeding your ability to be a parent... be a parent.
6) Above all, love your children unconditionally. Your love should never be withdrawn based on a child's misbehavior or good behavior. It is not a reinforcer or logical consequence. And make sure YOUR CHILD knows that you love him in those times of disobedience, too.

Fatherhood and Finances

I learned a lot about the power of Fatherhood through doing my paper and of finances in a relationship through the lessons and material I read this week.

Fatherhood
Fathers are absolutely critical in a child's development and family relations. For my paper, I found an article by the FIRA (Father Involvement Research Alliance). It was full of powerful statistical insights into how fathers change children's lives. When fathers are involved in the home, children are more intelligent, better morally developed, more level headed in their emotions and more successful in their everyday lives.

Sometimes I think that we are too hard on Dads. Society and the media portray fathers as imbeciles that are commanded by their wives. They are the joking fathers that just bring home part of a paycheck. They don't get enough credit for all they do.

You can find a summary of some of these statistics here. If anyone ever wonders if a father does as much for his children as their mother, now you know. This makes me very grateful I married a wonderful man who can lead our future family in love and righteousness.

Finances
It was very interesting to me to talk about finances this week in class. The primary thing I gained had to do with dual-income families. In these dual-income families, adults automatically assume that they are better off well because they have the supplemented income. The problem is that the equation isn't just husband's check + wife's check = $$$. You have to include the opportunity costs that come with what you are giving up by having the wife work.

Our teacher gave an example of a husband and wife who worked to take care of their family. They equation would look somewhat like this (this was quite some time ago)...

 H    $41,000 (working 45 hours per week)
W   +$21,000 (working 39 hours per week)

this couple then visited with accountants who took into account all their costs and spending and all the money that they accumulated (including opportunity costs) and their income amounted to

= $38,500

The wife was actually paying $2500 to work 39 hours per week. She had not realized the costs incurred through babysitters, daycare, take-out and eating out, etc.

I firmly believe that there is power (and financial power) in having a mother who stays at home and works by taking care of the children and home. My mother had to work so I am not preaching from a "perfect-family" pedastal. I believe in mother's in the home because of numerous research that I have read and the guidance from the Brethren.

Many women believe that it is a waste of time to get an education if you are not going to use it. You are wasting your mind if you stay at home, among other reasons. In class, we also read the article, "Does a Full-Time Homemaker Swap Her Mind for a Mop?" I think it provides excellent insight. We are getting educated for more reasons than to bring home a paycheck. We are raising a righteous generation. It is our responsibility to prepare and educate our children in all ways. President Brigham Young said that if he had two children, a boy and a girl, and he could only afford to educate one... it would be his daughter. We are preparing to be active and educated members of society. We can make differences, even as a "stay-at-home-mom."

The last thing that we read and studied about was the pamphlet provided by the church "One for the Money"  in regards to handling family finances. We know that approximately 80% of divorces are directly linked to financial issues in a marriage. I think these principles provided in the pamphlet are powerful and true principles in all situations.

Communication

This week in class we talked about strategies for effective communication.

14% of what we're saying is conveyed through words
35% of what we're saying is through tone
51% of what we're saying is through non-verbal communication

Interestingly enough, people are most likely to believe non-verbal communication rather than words or tone. When I learned this I had to ask myself, are there times when I am non-verbally communicating things that are the opposite of what I am saying with words? The first step to effectively communicating is to recognize that there might be some mis communications in what you are saying.

Recognizing that only 14% of what we're saying is conveyed through words has large implications for the effect of texting on our society. In class, many students said that texting was their least favorite way of communicating because you can never really tell what someone is thinking.

The next step is to be intentional about what you are saying and how it may be perceived and work hard to listen. In fact, we should really put more work into listening than we are in speaking.

On Thursday we discussed some principles based on councils. It was really interesting to me to learn this material because we discussed how the quorum of the 12 counsel with each other and how we can apply that to our families.


Interestingly enough, the Brethern have councils once per week. This is the structure of those councils:

-Set time and Place- typically Thursdays in the temple
How powerful it would be to have a meeting with those around us in the temple once a week where the Spirit could be unrestrained and we could take care of any issues before they ever arose.
-The Brethren show up early and spend time expressing love and gratitude to each other
This reassures the members of the group that what is about to be said is out of love for that person and eliminates all fear or question of inadequacy or personal attack.
-The meeting opens with a prayer
The brethren invite the Spirit to be with then and pray to speak with love and do what the Lord would have them do.
-They have an agenda of topics to discuss and do so one at a time
This is a powerful idea because it suggests that there has been time and thought put into each of the topics beforehand. Each of the brethren received a copy of the agenda previously and had time to study it out in their minds and hearts. Interestingly enough, when they respond there is no interruption and the Brethren each speak what they believe the Lord wants, not their own opinion.
-They come to a consensus before they ever close an issue
This means that every person feels at peace with the decision and they support it as a unified whole. They leave the topic knowing that everyone has said all that each person needed to express on behalf of the Lord and his will.
-They close with a prayer
In this prayer, they give gratitude to the Lord for inspiration and for helping them to come to a consensus. They ask if there is something more that they may know to bring it to the next meeting. They also express their love for one another one more time.
-They finish the meeting with refreshments
Yes, they do eat refreshments in the temple. Apparently, it is some form of dessert...either chocolate or pie. What a great way to bond and feel the spirit of unity and friendship. 


How different would our family councils be if we counseled together in such a way? Would hard topics go over smoothly? Would there be a much more effective communication between members?

Family Stressors

It is not a coincidence that we had this discussion about family stressors this week. Every day I had something new come up and add to a "cumulative stressor" that was going on in my life.

I was gone the second day of the week, visiting my grandpa, who recently had surgery and was not doing very well.

What I did learn from Tuesday's class was that there are many things that can happen in a family life. There are things that are good stressors, stressors that are unplanned, stressors that build upon others, etc. Everyone's experiences are different... and everyone's stressors are difficult for them.

What I have learned is that the Lord will not give us challenges that we cannot overcome. In times of trial, I hold to 1 Nephi 3:7 "For I know that the Lord giveth no commandment, save he shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which he commandeth them."

I think keeping a positive attitude and remembering that the Savior has endured ALL things helps us to overcome these trials in our lives. I enjoy this video.

What Brother Williams said really stuck out to me. It is not the trial itself that defines us, but how we react and respond to it.

I have learned that through my Savior Jesus Christ, I can do all things.

Teaching Children about Marital Intimacy

This week was a very interesting week for lessons. We talked about marital intimacy, the joys, potential challenges and the importance.

What I learned most from was the discussion about teaching our children about marital intimacy:

I love this guide ("A Parent's Guide") that the church has produced. It sums it up, in such a perfect, divine way.

Wedding vs. Marriage

This week we talked about some interesting insights as to the importance on a wedding.

Here are a few things that I learned:

1) Those who are of an older age sometimes struggle in marriages. They have been living a certain way for so long and tend to be set in their ways. Joining two people together who are both set in certain specific ways of living can cause a lot of problems.

2) The engagement itself sends a large message about the couple. Is it spontaneous- he just popped it on you, you were so surprised but it felt so right? This may suggest communication issues. It is such an important decision and yet it becomes an all in the moment (without discussion) kind of a thing. What about those extravagant public engagements http://www.wimp.com/lipdub/? What does that say about the couple? It seems as though the man has talked to A LOT of people about this decision...but how much has he talked to her? Is this going to be a public marriage or a private one? With such an important moment shared with so many people... how are they going to handle other precious marital moments?

There is beauty in simplicity here... in something meaningful for the couple, but not the world... in something planned and prepared for and prayed about.

3) The average wedding cost is around $21,000. With this cost... who can really afford to get married? It is no wonder people are co-habiting more and more. It is no wonder people dread the day when they get married or have extremely long engagements.

Where will we turn to get that money?
Typically, couples will have to do one of a few things: take out a loan, save up for a while, or have the parents pay. The question here is... what will that do to the rest of the marriage relationship? Taking out a loan will cause the couple to now have to worry about debt and be burdened with interest. Saving up for a while will deny the couple precious blessings through the marriage covenant... and something will ALWAYS come up. As for having parents pay, this may be the easiest, but also may be the worst of all. If parents pay for a wedding are you giving them a right in that marriage? They have contributed a lot of their time and resources to it. Would you feel any obligations to them?

Why do we feel such a draw towards having an expensive ONE DAY experience? Are we missing the point? There was a story told in class of two women who wanted to get married in a temple on one day. One because the outside was beautiful and would make for the perfect pictures and the other because it meant a lot to her to get married in the temple. She understood the real importance. On that blessed day, two things happened: there were some minor repairs being made on the outside of the temple and the second bride's dress would not be able to get to her in time for the wedding. The first bride was furious. She could not believe it.. her day was ruined. The other bride did not even give a second glance. She knew what was really important and was just grateful to have the opportunity to be married there.

We should try to step back from the focus on the frivolities of the wedding. Let's focus on what is really important.