Love Misattribution.

This past week has been filled with very interesting things. In class on Tuesday, we talked a little bit about preparing for marriage. Since I am already married and am overly happy with my choice (married 2.5 years), it was a difficult thing for me to get really into. However, on Thursday we talked about some common misconceptions about love and that was very interesting to me.

Tuesday
Do you believe that there are a limitless number of people out there who you could marry? Are you looking for "the one?" You will be surprised to find that there are actually a number of factors that narrow down the search.

Characteristics Filter-
Physical Attraction
Similarities
Physical Proximity
Education/Ability to Provide
Communication Style

With those simple things, you have already significantly narrowed the search.

How do you know they are "the one?" TEST IT.

Intentionally and thoughtfully date. The date should be...
Planned
Paid for
Paired off

This is to prepare for the roles in marriage.
Planned - Preside
Paid for- Provide
Paired off- Protect

You do not really know someone until...
TALK- There is mutual self-disclosure
TIME- There has been a significant amount of time (3 months, according to most researchers)
TOGETHERNESS- There has been a variety of experiences/situations

Thursday
There are four kinds of love:

AGAPE- unconditional, the good of all regardless of feelings for self
EROS (erotic)- the kind of love that is sung about and chick-flicks are written about, a sexual and romantic love.
STORGE- parent and child, natural and unexplainable
PHILIA-  friends, brotherly love (siblings too)

Knowing this helps us to know that we may love someone, but in a much different way than we think. There is a growing problem in our society... people think they are "in love" but have never gone past the "eros" love. They do not know each other, they do not care for each other deeply and desire to protect each other... but they marry none-the-less.

In class, we discussed the R.A.M. model. This model has five elements and the theorist suggests that each level should be a little lower than the previous, in a healthy relationship. These levels are: know, trust, rely, commit, and touch. For example: you know someone, then you develop a trust for them- but a trust which is cautious to the level at which you know them, then you rely on them (as the relationship builds), commit to them, and share an embrace with them. This is one reason instances of co-habitation are a leading contributor to divorce... the scale is backwards. You usually know someone but are very intimate with them, more than you trust or are committed to them. If we recognize this model in our own lives we can make changes to foster healthy relationships.

Another thing we talked about was misattribution of love. This is another trouble with many of the people who get married without really dating and knowing each other. We know that the combination of nor epinephrine and epinephrine released from the limbic system (in the brain) combine to make adrenaline. Theorists suggest that this is released at moments of intensity, heart racing, palms sweaty, and is often confused with love. A study was done that asked some individuals to rate pictures of other people, on attractiveness, before they got on a roller coaster and again after they got off. Across the board, people rated the pictures of others 2 points higher in attractiveness... and in only that short of a time! This explains why boys take girls to scary movies. It is not because they expect the girls to cuddle up because they are scared, but because they know that the adrenaline rush will make them like the boy much more than they would have otherwise. This concept is very powerful and when realized, it is easy to see why it is so important to have time together and a variety of experiences before selecting a mate.

I am glad to know that my husband and I took time and really fell in love. I love him in all the four ways. That seems like a real happily ever after to me.

Gender Roles

This week we talked about a lot of material. It has been really interesting to me because I am taking this class alongside a Family Foundations Class talking about the eternal roles of gender, and some child development classes, in which we have talked about the cognitive differences because of gender.

Gender:

We are all different, inherently. We were created as men/women far before we were born. Different does not mean bad. Each gender complements the other. In my family foundations class it was explained as two sides of a plane, or two hands on a person. We are equal but opposite (meaning different).

Prior to coming to class, we watched a documentary called "Men, Women and the Sex Difference" by John Stossel.

A few of these differences include-

Girls
-naturally more sensitive
-detail-oriented
-look for and use landmarks as a reference
-more cooperative
-relationship oriented
-have 5x more connective tissue (enabling women to make more connections)

Boys
-generally more aggressive
-spatial orientation
-naturally more competitive
-self-reliant
-task oriented
-have more grey tissue- bigger processors (enabling men to more easily solve big problems)

If we take both of these into consideration, not one way of thinking is better than the other. They are meant to be used in harmony. God created us in these ways to fulfill our divine roles, men to "preside, provide and protect" and women to "nurture." (see The Family Proclamation) This does not mean that sometimes women can't be aggressive or that men cannot be sensitive, but it is in recognizing our roles that we see why, generally, we have these characteristics.

Yes, I am a woman. I have no problem recognizing that I am not the same as a man. I do NOT want to be. I am different, but that does not mean I am not equal. We both play an equal part in God's plan.

Gloria Steinem and Gloria Allred are well-known feminists. Gloria Steinem said "We badly need to raise our boys more like our girls." I think that I agree with this statement to a point, but we are different. Instilling in boys more feelings of sensitivity and compassion can be good things and instilling in women more ambition can also be good; however, it comes with remembering that God created us differently for a reason. To try to raise children of two different genders "the same" would not only be wrong, but it most likely would not work. According to the quote mentioned in class, "If you and I are the same, one of us is unnecessary."

Social Class and Family

Tuesday

We learned a lot today.

1- We had an assignment to come to class today having created a family genogram. I found mine very interesting. I learned that it is common in my family for the oldest daughter to attach strongly with her mother. I also learned from my husband's genogram that typically sisters-in-law do not get along up his family tree and that the middle child is usually the more rebellious member of the family. Now knowing that, it makes me very interested to see if my children will be that way. 

2- In class, our teacher posed the question "Does social class influence the family's capacity to meet its needs and responsibilities?" I felt like this blog would be a good place for me to pose my answer for this question. In my notes, I put... "I think definitely yes. Tammy  was not being as effective of a mother as she could have been living the way they did. She even said she wished that she could stay home and teach her boys. She could see that they were lacking in social and emotional aspects because of her choices. If she would've been  upper/middle class she could have afforded to teach and be a better mother to them. Her purpose as a woman and mother was to nurture and she was not fulfilling that purpose." 

I think it is very naiive and unfortunately prevalent in our church to think "money doesn't matter." It does. If you were poor and had to take up a job you are not going to be as effective of a parent as a mother who is better off financially because she can devote more of her time and efforts to her children. I know that money is not the sole indicator of social class, but it is a big part. I heard a quote in one of my classes "pray as if everything depended on God, but work as if everything depended on you." I think this directly applies and could be said "have faith as if everything depended on God, but prepare financially as if everything depended on you."  Obviously a mother who is a full-time student who needs to be focused on her studies and has to work full-time CANNOT dedicate as much time to her child/ parent them as they are needed as someone who has a higher social class and does not have to worry about money. 

We have the responsibility as parents "to provide for the necessities of life" (The Family: Proclamation to the World). Plain and simple, those in higher social classes are better able to meet that need than are those in a lower social class.

3- Another question that was asked was like "what would I want my system to be like?" 

I think that my system would incorporate aspects from all other systems, namely: an education like those in higher social class, financial means like that of a higher social class, work ethic like those of a lower social class, and humility like those of a lower social class. I have seen people with families that are like this. It is achievable. 

Thursday

We talked today about two articles, primarily "A Critique on the Research of Same-Sex Parenting" and "The Costs of Getting Ahead: Mexican Family System Changes and Immigration."

In the first article, we learned that many of the statistical information currently out on the market about Same-Sex Parenting is inaccurate, for the following reasons:

1- There was a sampling bias in most studies- choosing only those who were affiliated with a certain magazine, it was not a representative sample.

2- There were no control groups

3- There was only one study that measured the longitudinal effects

4- The samples were small, only a few families

5- They assumed "children raised in homosexual households has no effect on that child" because they had no real results. No results does not equate to "no effect."

In the "Costs of Getting Ahead," we learned about the effect on families who are separated in illegal immigration. It really hit me hard that this has such an effect on families because my family was separated for similar purposes. 

My dad moved to Alaska to work with the economy crash in '08 and my mom and my sisters remained in the lower 48 for about 4 months. We came up and I could tell that my dad had really had a hard time. It was lonely, I'm sure. Sadly, we didn't have much time to restructure. My mom and I moved back down to the lower 48 so I could finish high school (senior year) and she could finish her college degree that would not transfer (senior year). Being separated was really hard on my young sisters who were only 8 & 13 at the time. My dad had to transition into "mommy role" for a time and that was difficult while he was the sole provider. As for our side, my mom and I became very close and really learned to lean on each other. Needless to say, it was very difficult for our family. Once I moved away to college and my mom was back home, my family eventually re-structured. I can tell, however, that it has caused a significant negative change in our family. My youngest sister now has pretty severe attachment issues being separated from my mom for a year. The middle child, my younger sister, has now transitioned into more of an "adult" or "hero" role because the situation required it. My dad is very lost and confused and I can tell my mother sometimes feels very disconnected and feels guilty for the past time gone. 

Great lessons. Any thoughts?

Week of April 30- May 5th

This week was a whirlwind week.

Tuesday
I learned a lot about Family Theories today.

Family Systems Theory-
This theory looks at the family as a whole. The Family Systems Theory says that all families have rules and that every family member has a role. This system suggests that each family needs executives and that every time there is a change the roles and positions need to redistribute.

Exchange Theory-
In this theory, it's all about "what's in it for me?" If you are not getting more or an equal amount of something out of a relationship, you will abandon it. This idea stemmed from economic systems. It is sad to think, but some marriages really are this way. I cannot imagine a marriage that was so self-centered. I hope that my first thoughts will always be "what can I do to make his life better?" It is no wonder why so many people are getting divorced. I think we truly learn how to serve in marriage, and that is one of the main reasons that it is important.

Symbolic Theory-
The Symbolic Interaction Theory says that every behavior has a meaning. Problems arise when the intent is not the effect of the behavior. Interestingly enough, behavior is symbolically different based on the situation. An example would be holding hands. In some cultures, this is inappropriate in public. In others, it is just a show of affections. This behavior would also be interpreted differently if it was a parent and child vs. a husband and wife.

Conflict Theory-
Conflict Theory maintains that all interactions are made of conflict. Conflict stems from two entities who do not necessarily want the same thing at the same time. How we handle conflict can be good or bad.

Thursday
We learned more about The Family System Theory today. The main thing I took from class today was that homeostasis or not making a change is wrong. The Lord expects us to change and grow and develop. We experience situations in life so that we can grow and become more like God.

I also learned that detouring is influencing someone's behavior through someone else. The example in class was given of a mother trying to change a father's behavior through his child's action or lack of action. I think that this behavior is wrong. I think that we should not try to control other people's behavior, since each of us have our agency.

In class, we had a sample Salvador Minuchin experience. I got to be the "child" in a therapy session. Although it was kind of funny, I learned a lot. Fathers are supposed to be the head of the household. Husbands and Wives are to cleave to each other and the children follow. Serious problems result if these roles are not followed. I also learned that the children need to have an equal tie to both parents. If one gets to strong, it can separate the marriage.