Divorce and Remarriage

I have learned a lot about Divorce and Remarriage this past week. I have not personally experienced a divorce, but I have a lot of friends and some family who have. Divorce is devastating. So it is with a Spirit of love that I write this.

Statistically, women and men who are religious (just religion in general) are less likely to get a divorce. Why?
-Typically, in religion, you feel accountable to someone else for the choices you make and therefore feel accountable for your actions in marriage. Feeling accountable makes you more likely to stick to something and work harder at it.
-For those who marry in religion, the bond becomes more of a covenant rather than a contract.
-Those in religion tend to believe more in forgiveness and Christlike love and employ that principle in their marriage.
-In religion, marriage is more of a family affair rather than my needs vs. your needs. This is evidenced in the fact that religious people tend to make more family-oriented decisions (ex. less likely for abortion, more likely advocates for women staying in the home, etc.)

Other statistics:
-People in high socioeconomic status have a lower rate of divorce than people from a low SES. I believe that since having financial issues is such a big stressor in marriage, removing one of those burdens helps ease the tension in a marriage.
-Divorce rates have been dropping since the 70's.
     *There was a drastic increase in 50's after the "No- Fault" Divorce was created. Statistics started dropping in the 70's because those children watched what their parents went through in divorce and what they grew up in and did not like it.
-U.S. has the highest divorce rates. I believe this is because of our sense, as Americans, of confidence and pride in ourselves. People marry in situations think, "well I am different" or "this time will be different." 

Thoughts about divorce:
Isn't it interesting that there isn't one contract in the world that you can sign your name to and then just quit whenever you felt like. Imagine if you had a rental contract and then just determined one day that you did not want to pay it... or imagine you contracted a job out to another company and they agreed but one day thought it was too hard and so they did not fulfill their contract. Yet, for marriage, this really is how it works.

The problem with marriage is that it was always meant to be a "covenant" institution. It was never intended to be purely a contract. Think back to the history of the world... God performed the first marriage. Humans did not think up the institution. I wonder how different marriage would be if people truly understood it is an institution established by God and that you will be accountable TO HIM for your actions within.

Challenges for Children:
-For children in divorced and remarried families there are many challenges. First, they may be getting mixed messages.
-When parents remarry, it will inevitably be difficult. The children feel attached to their biological parents.
-Average dad (in a divorce) will live 400 miles from his child. Children who are girls will want more attention from males and tend to be more promiscuous and children who are boys tend to be more rebellious.
-Children may feel that they have to "choose sides" with parents. They may feel like they have to ask themselves... "Who am I going to like more?"
-These children will have trouble because, with any divorce, there is trouble with a normative healthy attachment.

And although I hate country, there is hope for divorced/remarried families. Some people describe it as "finally finding my family." Our teacher showed this video in class, and I believe very strongly that this can be the case.

Parenting

So for the Parenting class week, I really learned a lot about ACTIVE Parenting. It was very interesting to me to talk about these things because I am currently in a parenting class where we are reading "Unconditional Parenting"  by Alfie Kohn and "10 Principles of Good Parenting" by Ted Steinberg.

In the videos we watched in class, there were some key principles taught about parenting a teenager (which I used to never be afraid of, but now I have definitely become afraid of). These principles did a nice job lining up with what we have been learning from the other two books.

First of all, realize that teenagers (just because I am writing about teenagers does not mean these do not apply to early or middle childhood) are going through crazy changes in their body. At this stage in their life, their limbic system in their brain is fully developed (the emotion center) making them really excited and interested in doing dangerous things. However, their prefrontal cortex (the executive center) which helps people make rational choices based on their options, is not fully developed. Not to mention the fact that hormones are running through their system like crazy.

Next, teenagers (especially teenagers that are members of the Church) are going through very serious societal pressures. Everywhere around them is peer pressure and peer evaluation. In their minds (and anyone one of us who was once a teenager) if they are not accepted by those around them... all is lost.

Once you really can think and evaluate what your teenagers feel, and you can see things from their perspective, as Alfie Kohn says, it is time to make some choices. Do you want to be the Autocratic, military-esque parent? Do you want to allow your children to do whatever they feel and be a Permissive parent? Or would you like to be a healthy balance of both, giving your child a chance to have choices and autonomy as well as rules and regulations? I think the answer is clear.

What I learned next were some very valuable steps to parenting effectively:
1) Teens and parents get along much better when there is mutual respect in the relationship. Teens need to learn to respect others and know that they will be respected by others. It is our responsibility to model respect for our teens, by how we treat them. The best way to respect your teen is to ask their opinions and give them choices, listen to their reasoning.
2) Communicate to solve a problem, not berate a teenager. Ask yourself: what is the real issue? Are you afraid of your child being out late because he/she may be in danger? Well tell them that. Do not blame the teenager, blame the problem. Teenagers will be less likely to argue.


DO's and DONT's of Communication with a Problem


DON'T                                                                                     DO

-Command                                                                            -Address emotions (see "Emotion Coaching")
-Negative Expectations                                                          -Listen actively
-Interrogate                                                                           -Respond to feelings
-Moralize                                                                               -look for alternatives/evaluate consequences
-Focus on Mistakes                                                                -offer encouragement
-When I was your age (Know it all)                                        -follow up later
-Psychologize
-Give advice
-Use sarcasm

Also, use I statements and statements that attack the problem (ex. "I feel taken advantage of...")

3) Do NOT use punishments and rewards. They are only effective teachers in the short run and teach children to think in a very self-centered way for rewards and get even after punishments.
4) The best consequences for a misbehavior are the natural or logical consequences that follow. For example: a natural consequence of touching a burner is that you get burned. A logical consequence of going over your minutes on your cell phone is that you have to pay extra to the cell phone company. When teenagers can see that there are logical consequences to their actions, they are better prepared for society and usually do not think of their parents as "raging tyrants."
5) Wise parents are firm and friendly. If your ability to be your child's friend is impeding your ability to be a parent... be a parent.
6) Above all, love your children unconditionally. Your love should never be withdrawn based on a child's misbehavior or good behavior. It is not a reinforcer or logical consequence. And make sure YOUR CHILD knows that you love him in those times of disobedience, too.

Fatherhood and Finances

I learned a lot about the power of Fatherhood through doing my paper and of finances in a relationship through the lessons and material I read this week.

Fatherhood
Fathers are absolutely critical in a child's development and family relations. For my paper, I found an article by the FIRA (Father Involvement Research Alliance). It was full of powerful statistical insights into how fathers change children's lives. When fathers are involved in the home, children are more intelligent, better morally developed, more level headed in their emotions and more successful in their everyday lives.

Sometimes I think that we are too hard on Dads. Society and the media portray fathers as imbeciles that are commanded by their wives. They are the joking fathers that just bring home part of a paycheck. They don't get enough credit for all they do.

You can find a summary of some of these statistics here. If anyone ever wonders if a father does as much for his children as their mother, now you know. This makes me very grateful I married a wonderful man who can lead our future family in love and righteousness.

Finances
It was very interesting to me to talk about finances this week in class. The primary thing I gained had to do with dual-income families. In these dual-income families, adults automatically assume that they are better off well because they have the supplemented income. The problem is that the equation isn't just husband's check + wife's check = $$$. You have to include the opportunity costs that come with what you are giving up by having the wife work.

Our teacher gave an example of a husband and wife who worked to take care of their family. They equation would look somewhat like this (this was quite some time ago)...

 H    $41,000 (working 45 hours per week)
W   +$21,000 (working 39 hours per week)

this couple then visited with accountants who took into account all their costs and spending and all the money that they accumulated (including opportunity costs) and their income amounted to

= $38,500

The wife was actually paying $2500 to work 39 hours per week. She had not realized the costs incurred through babysitters, daycare, take-out and eating out, etc.

I firmly believe that there is power (and financial power) in having a mother who stays at home and works by taking care of the children and home. My mother had to work so I am not preaching from a "perfect-family" pedastal. I believe in mother's in the home because of numerous research that I have read and the guidance from the Brethren.

Many women believe that it is a waste of time to get an education if you are not going to use it. You are wasting your mind if you stay at home, among other reasons. In class, we also read the article, "Does a Full-Time Homemaker Swap Her Mind for a Mop?" I think it provides excellent insight. We are getting educated for more reasons than to bring home a paycheck. We are raising a righteous generation. It is our responsibility to prepare and educate our children in all ways. President Brigham Young said that if he had two children, a boy and a girl, and he could only afford to educate one... it would be his daughter. We are preparing to be active and educated members of society. We can make differences, even as a "stay-at-home-mom."

The last thing that we read and studied about was the pamphlet provided by the church "One for the Money"  in regards to handling family finances. We know that approximately 80% of divorces are directly linked to financial issues in a marriage. I think these principles provided in the pamphlet are powerful and true principles in all situations.